life update #19 – staring at the waves.

one month in a seaside town in Turkey.

most days, I wonder what is the point of what I’m doing.

today I drove for half an hour to a place I like eating.

I ordered a sea bream and some salad. fed some of it to the kitten that always comes by when I’m sat here.

this is my third time here. the kitten seems to recognize me now.

the restaurant is right next to a big beach. it’s the off season here so it’s always empty.

I put everything I took with me in my tote bag. left it on a bench and just started walking.

I’ve been feeling kinda overwhelmed lately. it’s mostly due to my own doing.

thoughts I’m trying to untangle. things I’m doing I’m trying to make sense of.

at some point I started collecting pretty green rocks I saw as I walked.

I don’t know what was the point of it. but what is the point of anything?

the rocks felt good to hold. soon my palm was full of it.

in the distance, I saw some chairs propped up on the sand. it was right in front of the ocean.

so I walked over.

I used the green rocks I was holding to leave a message. as if I was desperate for my existence to be acknowledged.

“hi” was all I had enough to spell out.

I sat on the other chair and faced the ocean. the waves came close but always just seemed to miss me.

I closed my eyes and listened to the waves.

seconds passed. I hear a wave getting louder and louder.

I felt sand and rocks hit my sandals and my ankles filled with water.

just when I closed my eyes, the waves hit me.

maybe this is a metaphor.

I sat on the chair by the beach and let the waves hit me. and I wonder.

what is the point of anything?

I’ve slipped off again.

I said I like writing these updates and I just haven’t.

I think about it all the time but always felt like my thoughts weren’t complete enough to put one together.

today’s update is weird. but it’s what’s on my mind right now as I’m staring at these waves.

I came to Turkey about a month ago. moved to a small seaside town.

I came here because it was cheap. and it looked pretty. and also because someone on Instagram told me to.

all I wanted was peace. be away from people and things. spend time in my own head and figure myself out.

I think it worked out. I do miss meeting new people though.

anyway, it’s coming to an end. I’m leaving in a few days. I’m going back home and then to Thailand in December and spending the rest of my year there.

I still have so much thoughts I’m trying to untangle.

but for now I’ll go back to staring at the waves.

ron